Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
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I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine