Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
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Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
The prophecy is fulfilled
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
inside you are two wolves
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?