I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
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Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
OH. COME. ON.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Your proctologist called. He found your head.