Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
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Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Adultry does not sound fun at all
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.