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That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
just got my engagement photos
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
🤔😂😂
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition