A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
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Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Rambo Rambow
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead