If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
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Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”