Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
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“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices