everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
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So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon