Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
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Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
where the womens at?
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*