From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
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Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
i can’t wait that long
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.