Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
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Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.