Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
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When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Blew out my flip flop…
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum