Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
You Might Also Like
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”