Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
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Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.