I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
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Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.