In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
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Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
subtitles are so good nowadays
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more