People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
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ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt