Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
set yourself free xox
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)