I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
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My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Double negatives are never not confusing.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence