ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
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Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*