I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
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Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.