Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
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While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.