The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
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DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
President The Rock Obama
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Holy shit he’s back
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
i choose….tongue
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.