I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
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Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
For anyone who needs this today
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers