[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
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[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel