every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
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Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
My neck my back my allergy attack
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
u spoke cat all this time??????
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”