the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
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You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
omg leave her alone
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all