Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
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My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …