Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
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[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Proctology is located in A55
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot