horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
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My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Note to self: always read the final line
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?