Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
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[loses house key, starts a new life]
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
This checks out
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy