You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
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If you love someone, let them tweet.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty