I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
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Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
My wedding will be open casket.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
sugar glider wrangler
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it