While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
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She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.