I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
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[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.