When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
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christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
IT’S-A ME,