Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
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“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.