My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
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I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger