To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
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8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people