ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
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Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
PLEASE READ
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.