To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
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Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
You learn something every day
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
🤣🤣🤣
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.