Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
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Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.