People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
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This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes