you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
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Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
There are usually two types of merchants.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.