Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
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[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
What about second breakfast?
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.