Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
You Might Also Like
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
The “baby” on the left….
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.