What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
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[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I triple waxed for this?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
*looks at you in batman voice*
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system