My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
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I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila