“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
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Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk